My boy will be a man soon.
And our story, the one that humbles me and forces me to remember my dependence on God for his grace, for my every ounce of strength, for my very breath, is kept forever within my soul. It seems to spill out when I have forgotten what it’s like to be utterly dependent on that grace, or when I realize that another trip around the sun has brought us one step closer to that which cannot be avoided. And so, here’s the story of a girl and her baby boy.
I was a painfully shy teenage girl, but a good student with high test scores and big ambitions (I planned to be a doctor, if you can believe it). I had always marched to the beat of a different drummer and seemed to be always looking for a way to fit in.
I was too “white trash”, poor, and from the wrong side of the tracks to fit in with most of the smart kids in school, but too smart to fit in with the troublemakers. I was in a no man’s land and, like most teenagers, felt as if no one could understand what I was going through. Poor decision making skills, a very unstable home environment, and a desperate need for friends eventually lead to many poor choices, and I found myself in places I never could have imagined I would be.
Over the next few years I fell deeper and deeper into the pit of sin, trying anything and everything to escape the pain of my life, succeeding only in making it worse. Many bad decisions lead to dire consequences, which affected not only me, but everyone around me as well.
I finished my eleventh grade year in May and was looking forward to being a senior. Things seemed to be going well now that I was doing everything deemed “cool” by my peers. I had plenty of friends, my grades had somehow remained good despite my lifestyle, and I was looking at colleges.
A week into summer vacation I had a feeling that something wasn’t right. Realizing that my symptoms could only mean one thing, I took a pregnancy test.
A pink line on a little white stick would forever change my life.
Here I was, this girl of sixteen with good grades and tons of potential, getting ready to apply to college, perhaps someday to be a doctor. I stared at the line, head spinning, not knowing what to do. Denial does not even begin to describe the emotion I was feeling that day.
The months went by and the baby grew within me. We were a healthy pair and by January my belly was swollen with life.
The shame of being a walking billboard for sin was intense, but I loved the baby I was carrying. I could not be ashamed of this little one whose kicks I felt daily, the little boy I now longed to hold in my arms.
I began to have contractions on the evening of January 24th. By midnight I was at the hospital, where the doctors discovered that my blood pressure was extremely high.
I would have to deliver the baby as soon as possible.
I remember thinking that, despite having nine months to prepare, I was not ready for this. I was scared.
By 8:00 the next morning, after a full night of intense labor, lots of medication for blood pressure and pain, and no sleep, I was told that it was time to start pushing. I knew the time was drawing near for me to meet my precious baby.
At 10:40 AM on January 25th, after the most difficult, most intense two hours of my life, my beautiful baby boy was born into this world, but was whisked away before I could meet him. As a result of the medications I had been given during labor, and the health issues I was facing because of my extremely elevated blood pressure, he had to be examined more thoroughly by the neonatal staff. He was finally brought to me after a few hours.
And so I held my infant, barely more than an infant myself, and he nursed.
The earth stopped spinning for only a moment, then everything was crashing around me, whirling faster and faster. I could not make it stop. I didn’t know how to live in this new world in which nothing was familiar. To be responsible for myself had proven to be quite a feat during my seventeen years of life; to be responsible for a perfect little human being who had grown inside me for forty weeks seemed impossible.
I felt the weight of the world in my arms as I held my 7 lb 2 oz baby boy.
I’d like to say that I turned over a new leaf after his birth, that I got my act together and started living like a “good girl”, but those first few years were pretty rough for both of us. The truth is that it took many years and finally, the ultimate realization of the unfathomable depths of God’s grace, to drag me out of the pit of sin in which I was living.
God is good.
So here we are now. My child, the one who pulled me from my own childhood kicking and screaming, will be a man soon. Time has gone by all too quickly. We’ve been through so much these sixteen years, and God has redeemed every bit of that pain and sin. We’ve seen a great deal of the world together, traveled to four continents, experienced life on exotic islands, and made a home for ourselves wherever we happened to be. Who could have dreamed that this is where my life would be now? Grace upon grace…
Some days I still feel like that scared little girl holding her baby boy.
More often lately however, I realize that I must now begin to let go. He may not need me so much anymore. He will graduate from high school, and possibly go on to college. He will find another girl to love, and I must accept this fact with an open heart. He will get married one day, and perhaps have children of his own. God’s plan for my boy’s life is unfolding.
What an awesome privilege it is to stand back, knowing where we’ve been, and watch where he’s going.
To God be the glory!
“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:1-9
Sanders Party of Five 
grace is gorgeous. and breathtaking. and full of One who Loves far beyond our wildest expectations, redeeming even our fallenness for glory.
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There aren't enough words are there? We just search and stumble for them, but those that come out don't quite do it justice, do they? Hope you're doing well, Kathryn. Maybe we'll see you when we're in town next time.
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